Midnight Madness

I cannot believe i am doing this right now. I waited until midnight passed just so it's be Tuesday when I made this post. Scary, isn't it? But idon't have class untill 2:30pm tomorrow so it's alright. I met her again today. Did not go as planned. Are you kidding me? nothing you do ever goes as planned.

Enough of that, I need to find someone i can trust to vent to. I hate it. I hate everything. I hate my life. Just venting online isn't enough. I need to be able to speak. Not to a conselor, not to a peer, not to a professor, not to a teacher, not to an adult, but i need to vent to a friend. I would with my roommate but i'm scared, we don't know each other well enough for me to vent to him. I just want someone where i can just say "I HATE MY LIFE" to.

It's never going to happen. So i just went online to http://omegle.com/ again to talk to random strangers. Although i can't find it in me to vent to random strangers, I know that I can, however, make fun of/with them. And well, it's better than being angry all the time. But this anger just doesn't go away. I'm starting to have more and more violent thoughts. Thoughts of death, thoughts of my death, thoughts of the deaths of people i don't even know, but hate anyways.

I gotta let this go. 18 years of bottled up hatred and anger.  No one to turn to. I guess i'm just going to have to vent to myself again. It helps, not much though. Anyways, while on omegle, I came across an intellectual person, I thought those ceased to exist on the net. anyways here's the chat:

Omegle conversation log 2009-09-28
Connecting to server...
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: hi
Stranger: hey
You: whats up?
Stranger: i just tried having an intelligent conversation with an omegler and they told me to fuck off
You: LOL
Stranger: yea...
Stranger: lol
You: screw them, they're probably ignorant fools
You: you have an intelligent(i hope) coversation partner right here!
Stranger: probably...but do they have to be so blatant about it?
You: lol
Stranger: i hope so too
You: XD
You: my knowledge is limited. very. XD
You: as the famous philosopher socrates once said "the only thing i know is that I don't know"
Stranger: but at least you're open to it
Stranger: BRILLIANT SENTIMENT
You: i know xP
You: after all, it was said by socrates xP
Stranger: good point
You: lol
Stranger: so what i was trying to communicate to the previous omegler is that on this site i can say anything and you'd have to believe me...because you dont know me and there arent any points to go against what im saying
You: like freud!
Stranger: exactly! and you said your knowledge was limited
Stranger: someone's modest
You: very
You: trust me, i only know about his kid sexness and cocaine habits, other than that i know nothing else XD
Stranger: lol
Stranger: well you know a little which is better than nothing
You: lol true
You: anything is better than being ignorant
You: my psych teacher always used to point that out
Stranger: actually i think the exact opposite...i think it would be pure euphoria to be completely ignorant
You: yeah, if you were completely ignorant in an ignorant world, i can see that too
Stranger: good point
You: but, if you were completely ignorant in a world like today...
You: I don't think you'd get very far
Stranger: very true
You: hmm, my bladder's full so i guess i just pee here in the middle of the highway
You: lol that's gunna cause some problems XD
Stranger: sometimes i wonder about whether there was a time when everyone was ignorant...a time when no one wanted to grow mentally or learn anything new....i try to imagine what it would be like to ive in a time like that
Stranger: i cant see myself having a problem with it
Stranger: if it was all i knew of course
You: huh, maybe in reality that is really the direction we are heading in
You: and we say that we're technologically growing
You: when instead the top secret labs are constructing a memory erasure device like in men in black to erase everyone's memorys
Stranger: we are but what are we using the growth for?
Stranger: are they really?
Stranger: :|
You: i dunno
You: it's a random guess XD
You: just like the LHC!
You: i bet it's main function was to wipe out everyone's memory!
Stranger: LOL
Stranger: thats a thought
You: using science as a cover up XD
You: a scary thought
Stranger: a terrible thought....then again a lot of things in science are scary when you really sit down and think about them
You: like the LHC >.<
Stranger: lol
Stranger: yes just like that
You: A black hole?! NO WAY. I want to live, i dunno about the other 7.8bil -1, but i bet they say the sam ething
You: or was it 8.7?
You: i dunno
Stranger: i'm sure there must be one or two weirdos who'd think it would be a fun adventure
Stranger: lol
You: lol we call them scientists
Stranger: lol
Stranger: agreed
You: xP
Stranger: you're cool i like you
You: i know i am XD
You: lol j/k xP
Stranger: haha
You: this is the result when you take a lot of philosophy and psychology classes -_-;;
You: you get no where
Stranger: HAHA
Stranger: you end up on omegle endulging some stranger in intelligent conversation
You: lmao!
You: which is equal to nowhere xP
Stranger: precisely
You: lol this is one of my favorite train reaction things:
You: you know how they say that god is love, irght?
Stranger: then again thik of who i might be forced to talk to if you weren't nowhere?
You: lol
Stranger: go on
You: well, love is blind, right?
Stranger: so god must be blind
You: and ray charles is blind, correct?
Stranger: LOL
You: so therefore ray charles = god
Stranger: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Stranger: did you come up with that?
You: lol no
You: i found it in a psych text book
You: although i did say this one to someone before
You: life is short
You: you are short
You: therefore, you are life
You: I got punched really hard for that
You: never call a short girl short. ever XD
Stranger: lol
Stranger: i wish i was short
You: then you'd be life! =D
Stranger: short girls are cuter in my opinion
Stranger: LOL
Stranger: yes i wanna be life!
You: lol
You: i agree with you on the short girls part
You: definitely
You: but i definitely wouldn't mind someone around my height either
Stranger: how tall are you?
You: 5'11
You: almost 6
You: wait...where do you live? in us somewhere, right?
Stranger: nope...i wish i did
Stranger: i live in trinidad
You: lol time for some metric conversion XD
Stranger: LOL
Stranger: no way
You: hmmm...1in = 2.54cm, right?
Stranger: lol
Stranger: i know what inches and feet are
Stranger: :P
You: oh lol
You: phew, i was scared that i might have to do math XD
Stranger: haha
Stranger: yea math is a toughy
You: lol yeah
Stranger: what made you think i was in the us?
You: well, i just had to make sure lol
You: once i talked to someone who lived in autralia
You: australia*
Stranger: i love australians
You: yeah, they only know metric there >.<
You: feet? you mean like if we stacked up about 6 feet, you'd be that tall?
Stranger: you mean you don't know the story behind foot?
Stranger: the foot*
You: lol no
You: wish i did though
Stranger: imma tell you then
Stranger: lol
You: enlighten me. do it now!
You: before i slap you! =O
You: lol j/k
Stranger: well it originated in england (like most crazy things do) and they need a basic measurement for things that weren't exceptionally large but at the same time weren't too small so they decided that the most general measurement would be found by the king at the time
Stranger: they measured his foot which was exactly 12" and called it the foot
Stranger: voila
You: lol
You: THE foot
Stranger: thats the storybook version
Stranger: lol
You: it's the king's foot so its THE foot
You: how many foots did it take to measure a desk?
You: one. the king's foot
Stranger: LOL
You: lol just came up with that
Stranger: haha
Stranger: thats a sign that your gears are turning
Stranger: that or you're nuts
Stranger: lol
You: ehh... i'd go with both ;)
Stranger: haha
Stranger: well at least in you head things arent boring
You: lol
You: sometimes
You: I guess
You: maybe
You: no not really
You: okay, it isnt
You: wow that was a horrible chain
Stranger: haha
Stranger: it was fascinating to watch it unfold
Stranger: ah the process of thought
You: so fascinating...if you know what theyre thinking
Stranger: actually more fascinating if you don't...if i sit here and watch you type as you think things i get involved in trying to decipher what exactly is taking place
You: hmm...never thought of it that way
You: you know, that sounds kinda awesone
You: some*
You: I think i should go freak some people out with my philosophy/psychology and watch how they try to think their way through xP
Stranger: i thik that would be a good laugh
Stranger: think*
You: socrates did it XD
You: why can't we? i mean, as long as we don't get put to death like he did
Stranger: haha i think it will be the same outcome...just we'll probably get shot in the head or something...instead of there being actual legal action taken
Stranger: we'll just piss off the wrong person
You: lol
You: piss off an office worker on the brink of a meltdown
Stranger: haha!
Stranger: yes not a good idea
You: lol better watch out then
You: pick on the guys that are smiling XD
Stranger: no way...those are the ones worse off...they're the ones holding it all in waiting for something to trigger an explosion
You: ...dang
You: or maybe they're also majors in psych/philo and can crush other people who try that sillyness on them XD
Stranger: haha! now thats a thought
You: lol
Stranger: ok i have an art assignment that needs doing
Stranger: but this was exciting
You: lol okay
You: lol definitely
You: gglad to know there are some intelligent people on omegle
Stranger: glad to know that they still exist
Stranger: lol
You: XD
You: that too
Stranger: can i add you btw?
Stranger: to msn
You: sure
You: lol dont have msn
Stranger: what do you have?
You: how about an email instead lol
You: i'll get an msn on that email eventually
Stranger: lol
Stranger: sure
You: lol
You: kay
You: JckZhao@yahoo.com
You: If i see some strange email that i have no idea what is, then i'll be sure it's you XD
Stranger: haha
Stranger: you betcha
You: btw, never got your name
Stranger: janelle
You: nice jackie here
You: wait, are you a guy or girl?
Stranger: lol
Stranger: girl
You: lol i was scared for a second
You: cause i have a girls m=name but i'm a guy
You: so you can never be too sure XD
Stranger: very true
Stranger: i've got a friend named sam
Stranger: she gets hell for that all the tie
Stranger: time*
You: lol tell her to be called sammie, i think that sounds more feminine
Stranger: thing is she doesnt really mind...she's not particularly feminine anyways...its just the constant reminder...you know how people can be
You: yeah, ignorant
Stranger: lol
Stranger: yup
You: lol
Stranger: anyways!!! lol
Stranger: gtg
You: lol
You: kay
Stranger: nice talking to ya
You: go do your art thing!
You: same here
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

lol, fun, hmm...psych teacher always about ignorance...how coudl that be...if it isn't Crabtree....XD
I've enjoyed it, I thought it was a guy, well, mostly because of a generaly formula i use.
on the internet, guys are guys, girls are guys, and little girls are FBI agents.

It's fun really. I like to play as a certain person, but when faced with an intellect, i like to be myself and talk about the things i learned. esp. psych. I really like it. I'm glad i chose psych. But still, i wonder...what a bio/pre-med would be like. It's a dream I've given up on.

Why? because i was weak back then. Hanging on to a dream would only carry on my weakness with me. I'm stronger now. I know i am. I need to be. I need to be stronger. I need to be confident. I need to be. If you aren't strong, well, you must be. An old friend of mine, dknight, used to say.

Well, I better get some sleep though, I better get up tomorrow before noon so i could go to the bank and set up an  account and get rid of this paycheck before it expires on me. Don't want that week of hard work to dissapear on me. Thanks for bearing with me guys. I know there's not alot of people viewing this, but Thanks for reading what I have to say, It means alot to me. kay, thanks, well, peacce out guys ;)